Introducing, "Stuff Dads Can Do (Right Now!) to Connect More with their Kids"
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We see so much in the media about dads who are supposedly not taking fatherhood seriously--whether they're described as deadbeats, they're struggling to balance career and home, or they're not fulfilling their duties in other ways. And to be sure, there are plenty examples of men falling short--sometimes way short--when it comes to the behaviors and skills associated with positive fathering, just as there are many, many examples of dads who’ve learned to be very connected and involved as fathers and role-models.
However, to dispel the idea that men don’t take fatherhood seriously, all we need to do is gather a wide cross-section of us from all cultures and and socio-economic backgrounds into a room with a screen. Once there, show us an even moderately-well-acted movie/TV show/commercial/Youtube clip that depicts a father telling his son or daughter how proud he is of them. Show an authentic response from the son or daughter--a twitch in the lip, a welling of the eye--and you’ll undoubtedly see a high percentage of eyes in the room tear up as well. Of course, you’ll have to watch carefully because there will be a lot of body shifting, quick swipes of the hand, and loud sarcasm to cover up the emotion. But it will be there, and this emotion about fatherhood is pervasive.
Sometimes the feelings men experience when we see strong father/child relationships are based in nostalgia or gratitude, sometimes they come from longing, grief or guilt, and sometimes they stem from something else entirely. Regardless, with very few exceptions, even when we don’t know exactly how to show it, men take relationships with their kids, and with their dads, very, very seriously.
As a result, something I’ve heard from many dads in my work is, “I want to have a closer relationship with my kids than I had with my own dad.” Or, “I’m worried I won’t live up to how great my dad was with me.” Either way, men have a deep desire to be as positively connected with their children as possible, and under challenging circumstances, many feel helpless when it comes to knowing how to do it. In parenting workshops I lead, I’ve often paraphrased something I heard Jane Nelsen, the author of Positive Discipline, say once: Being a parent is the most important job in the world, and it’s also the one we get the least training to do.
But on top of that, there are many things that can get in the way even when we have the skills or are working on them: Stress and pressure from all directions, problems with anger, feeling lonely, constantly comparing ourselves to other men and dads--there’s a ton men carry around with them.
(And here I want to say, a couple things: First, everything I’m saying here applies to both fathers and mothers. And though most of the approaches in this series apply to men and women, I’ve geared it to the former because it seems like often dads are not the focus when it comes to parenting resources. I’m also fully aware of and grateful for the unearned privilege that comes along with being a male in our society, and when I’m talking about the challenges men face as fathers, I’m not forgetting for a second the frequent and historic imbalances that allow for this privilege.)
So yes, men are doing the best they can given the training they’ve had (often none), the modeling they’ve experienced (many times not too positive or seemingly impossible to live up to) and the myriad of other challenges that sometimes keep us from putting our best foot forward.
But training does exist, and like many other things, being a father is often much more about learning skills than it is about "being a natural." (Though the part that is instinctive--loving our kids with everything we’ve got--is very, very important) And while reading a series of blogs is certainly no substitute for training or coaching, I hope the forthcoming insights for dads helps some of you the way it continues to help me.
So please keep an eye out for Part One of “Stuff Dad’s Can Do (Right Now!) to Connect More with Their Kids.” The coming first installment is an important one, and it could stir something in you. It might even create a little controversy. It’s titled, “Don't be Afraid to Apologize”--please stay tuned...